A typical PotC fanfic
by pokey jr
Summary: As the title says, this is a parody of all the 'You' fics that were hanging around here a while ago, like hooligans loitering on the street corner. Not for the easily offended.


A typical PotC fanfic

Involving **captain** Jack Sparrow

(OMG!1 hes sooo hott1!0

AN: this is a 'you' fic, so ok pretend your this realy pretty girl from far-off land and you have amysterious past. Your really beautiful and can have any color hair you want except your eyes have to be bluish-green b/c that's the color of the ocean which is jacks fav. Colr.

**compulsory lyrics from sucky song**

AN: Sorry! Just had to announce that this is for Lianna/kathrynne/Tandy Mandi/ Jesus/ every single person I've ever met/ etc. ok no more interruptions. : P

"Pardon me, but you're lying on me rum." You groan and roll over, not wanting to get off this guy's rum. He pokes you with his toe.

"Pardon me, but the author has decided that I have a really weird obsession with rum. Frankly, I find this worrisome. If any of these stories were real, I'd probably be dead by now. Rum's a hard liquor, you know. If Idrank half as much as they say I do I'd be puking till noon. Well, I guess it's time for me to a) get mad at you and lock you up, b) think you're so stunningly attractive that I have to get you in my bed by this evening, or c) realize you're a daft cow and have Gibbs toss you overboard."

You sit on the deck of the ship, gaping while he says all this.

"Pick (b)," you say helpfully.

"Hmm," he says, twisting his two beard braids together. "I don't think so. I'll choose (c) this time. After all, I get about sixteen of your type every three days. We have to come up with a better disposal system."

"But I'm your one true love! Please, let me have your daft, dread-locky children! I have wide child bearing hips! I'll turn you to good! But you can still be a pirate! You'll be a good pirate, who just sails around all the time!"

"Gibbs! Get your bloody alcoholic bum over here! We have a girl who claims to be my one true love. She says we'll have children!" Gibbs comes over rather unhurriedly.

"Yes, Cap'n?"

"Nevermind, Gibbs, I've thought better of it." To you he says, "Come with me," and sways off to his quarters. You follow him eagerly. Thank goodness he's thought better of you. It was hard to believe he'd turn away someone as beautiful as you.

Jack- sorry- Captain Jack locks the door, then with a sad sigh gets some rum, muttering to himself "This stuff will be the death of me."

Then he turns around to face you.

"So, luv," he says in a sultry voice, then shakes his head. "Why do you make me do this? You fangirl authors should be keel-hauled, or given fifty lashes or something. Nevermind, you'd like that too much."

Meeting your eyes, he speaks again, in a deep, sexed-up voice.

"So, luv, it's time for me to make a few sailing related innuendoes, all right? All you have to do is get really flustered and end up almost sleeping with me."

A ferret scurries into the scene with a memo in its mouth. Jack takes the memo, reads it, and then crumples it up.

Clearing his throat: "oh, yeah, almost forgot. I have to ask you where you want to sleep. So- if you're to stay aboard the ship, luv, where will you sleep: with me or with the crew?" Jack grins rakishly and waggles his eyebrows. Everyone reading laughs hysterically because this would look really hilarious, and "waggles" is a funny word.

Meanwhile, you ponder your predicament as if it's a matter of world politics, while the readers say "Sleep with Jack, you dolt!" or "There's a crew?"

Anyhow, you end up sleeping in the same bed as a Jack and waking up the next morning quite comfortable with a pair of strong arms around you (or Jack's "friendly happy morning trouser snake" poking you in the back if it's not a fic for kiddies.) But wait for that. It's coming later. In the meantime we get to have fun with innuendo.

"So, luv," Jack looks into your blue-green eyes, but is not astonished or overcome by your beauty. For those who have not figured this out: Jack finds himself most attractive. He is vain and selfish and doesn't fall in love with someone at the drop of a hat.

"How would like me to batten your hatches?"

You have no idea what this means in terms of sailing. The typical fangirl will have used three sailing terms in the entirety of her fic, all of them incorrectly.

"Or if you're a bad girl, I could plunder your booty." He winks saucily at you, then turns away, looking disgusted with himself.

"Why?" he pleads, "why do you make me do this? I'm no rapist! Just let me go free!" He pouts attractively.

Meanwhile, in a secret cave somewhere in Mexico, home of numerous secret caves…

* * *

REAL Author's note 

Congratulations on getting through this… thing. Review (I'd appreciate it )- or not. Flames will be sent back to their creators so that they can lighten up by having a s'more or two.

DISCLAIMER: I am not affiliated with, part of, or working for, or in any way connected with Disney and all the other evil mass media corporations to whom I willingly give large portions of my money to see their productions of questionable value. No harm or infringement is intended by writing this fanfiction, on either the corporations or the actors involved in the movies Pirates of the Caribbean. I'm not making any money!


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